Week#10 Seeking to Understand

Changing Nature

The earth we live in is constantly changing. Wind, water, ice have an effect upon the earth's landscape. At times, the changes are seen quickly—like earthquakes or volcanoes. At other times, the landscape is slowly eroded away. These changes can be subtle, and in the moment only slightly detectable. 

When my boys were younger, they loved to go to the museum at Thanksgiving Point. They could spend hours at the water and sand exhibit acting as Mother Nature, developing lakes, and rivers, and land masses. They brought the change, yet they had a hard time manipulating the land masses, because the water was constantly moving and would find its way over and through their sand islands.  

Now, this may seem like an interesting story to begin a blogpost about marriage. But often husbands and wives are continually trying to change their spouse, but many end up frustrated. For no amount of nagging or fault-finding brings true and lasting change. I know for me that if I try to point out to my husband a need to change right in the very act I see my husband should change, it is ineffective. Why is that?  

Let's look to nature. Wind, water, ice have power to influence their environment. Man-made structures are sometimes ineffective to prevent these natural phenomenon's abilities to transform the landscape, though many attempts have been made. As Dr. Roy Spencer, a meteorologist and climate scientist, stated, ""Nature is not static, but causes its own, internally-generated changes - both in climate and in biological systems." Nature is constantly changing and adapting, but usually over a long time-period. And as Charles Dickens eloquently described it, "Nature gives to every time and season some beauties of its own; and from morning to night, as from the cradle to the grave, is a succession of changes so gentle and easy we can scarcely mark their progress" 

What can we learn about our desire to create immediate change in our spouse? It's unlikely to happen. Human nature is resistance to change, just as mountains don’t move over night. Just as my boys worked to control the water and sand, the sand was weak, and the water powerful. We can't  simply demand change, we don't have the power or control to do so. Long-lasting change starts with small efforts of wind, ice, and water and over time create the nature we love and enjoy today. 

We don't need to change our spouses because change will naturally occur. Our approach whether it is nagging and demanding or accepting and loving will have the greatest impact on our spouse. As Wallace Goddard in his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, said, "When we love our partners the way they are, we don't care if they change! That is the very thing that liberates them to change. Acceptance is the key change in those areas where it is possible...The single-most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners' characters; it is loving, cherishing, and appreciating them." (p.127) 

One of my family's favorite hangouts is Castlewood Canyon near our home. Along the river, sits humungous and numerous boulders. My children love to climb from one rock to another.  I don't know the history of how all this boulders came to rest there. I do know it did not occur in my lifetime. Over the course of time, this marvel of nature has developed into a favorite place for hikers, climbers, and nature lovers. Though in the future this area will likely change, I can enjoy the beauty and wonder it offers and the peace it brings as our family explores the trails. 

And as for my marriage, I can accept my husband by appreciating his strengths and goodness. Change will come, but not through my demands or manipulation. Change comes as it’s the natural order of life, but for now I can enjoy the beauty and wonder that having a best friend by my side brings and I can cherish the peace of a strong, happy marriage as my husband and I guide our children through life.