Week #6 Cherishing Your Spouse

He Really Does Love Me 

In his talk, Our Perfect Example, President Henry B. Eyring gave counsel to husbands and wives, "pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion" and he then shared the story about his father and mother.  "I saw this in my parents’ marriage. In my mother’s final illness, the more uncomfortable she became, the more giving her comfort became the dominant intent of my father’s life. He asked that the hospital set up a bed in her room. He was determined to be there to be sure that she wanted for nothing. He walked the miles to work each morning and back to her side at night through those difficult times for her. I believe it was a gift from God to him that his power to love grew when it mattered so much to her. I think he was doing what Jesus would have done out of love."  

It was a gift from God to him that his power to love grew when it mattered so much to her. This one sentence sums up what a marriage can be. I saw this same power to love in my dad as I watched him care for my mom. In 1996, my mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Through the testing process as the doctors were determining the problem, my mom worried about being a burden upon her family and of suffering as her mother had.  As my mom awaited the official diagnosis, she tried to distract herself from her sorrow and was outside working in the yard, when a florist delivered three dozen dark pink roses.  This was the first time my dad had ever given my mom roses, so the value my mom placed on this thoughtful act was significant and in that very moment my mom thought, "He really does love me!"   

That was the beginning of my mom's journey battling MS and the power of my dad's love continued as she battled MS for the next 15 years until her death. For most of those years, she fought to win the battle, but in the last few years of her life, MS took over—she loved to go for walks, but found herself in a wheelchair. She preferred to be independent, but needed help with basic needs. She was the one who always listened to her children's concerns, but instead we listened to her as she dealt with depression. She loved to read, but her attention span decreased. Through it all, my dad was there by her side—and he carried a heavy burden without complaining, and he loved her more and more even though she depended on him more and more. 

It's easy to fall in love when you are young and imagine your future together.  It's another thing to live life with its ups and downs and maintain a strong marriage, but true love is found in those moments when you value your spouse more than yourself and they know that you cherish them above all else. We can have the power to love. It is a gift from God. We can walk the difficult paths of life together and be able to say, "He Really Does Love Me!" 

Week #5 Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

You've Got A Friend In Me

Dr. John Gottman in his book, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, taught a very
important lesson about marriages. He has studied, analyzed, and interviewed many married couples,
and from his research he has been better able to determine what marriages need in order to last. He
identified a very interesting point as to why marriage therapy typically fails—because the focus usually is on fixing two problems. As he stated, "Perhaps the biggest myth of all is that communication—and more specifically, learning to resolve your conflicts—is the royal road to romance and an enduring, happy marriage." In his research, Dr. Gottman discovered many happily married couples who didn't always communicate effectively or resolve conflicts nicely.

Then, what does make a marriage work? I loved his approach because it looks at a positive
approach instead of focusing on what's wrong and trying to fix that. Most people aren't motivated to fix weaknesses, but many times that is the advice or the mode of thinking that people attempt. Dr.
Gottman commented "the simple truth [is] happy marriages are based on a deep friendship... a mutual
respect for and enjoyment of each other's company." He also comments that "friendship fuels the flame of romance."

Setting aside the notion of marriage and love for the moment, I liked to focus on relationships with best friends and think about what that looks like.

A best friend is someone who accepts you for simply being you, regardless of your personality
quirks or faults.
A best friend is someone who you can open up to and express your innermost thoughts and
feelings.
A best friend is someone who you look forward to spending time with and being together.
A best friend is someone who listens well and cares about your feelings.
A best friend is someone who offers assistance to help and to guide.
A best friend is someone who wants to make your day better and strives to meet your needs.

In a marriage, love is a vital component, but having a best friend is what will help when life's challenges hit hard and you need someone to stand with to meet those challenges head on. Instead of worrying about the way we communicate, the focus can be simply did I show my spouse, "You've Got A Friend In Me"

Week #4 Doctrine of Eternal Marriage

They Lived Happily Ever After 

The phrase "and they lived happily ever after" is repeated often in fairytale stories.  The knight rides in, swoops the lady off her feet, they fall in love, marry, and ride into the sunset followed with the phrase "and they lived happily ever after." Some may question the validity of that fairytale. I just simply question the simplicity of "happily ever after", because marriages require hard work, sacrifice, forgiveness, and a willingness to stay close when challenges become difficult.  

Many marriages today can be termed, as described by Elder Bruce C. Hafen, a "contract marriage". He described this marriage where couples only give 50%, couples end the relationship when challenges set in, and can be cancelled at will. (see Hafen, B.C., "Covenant Marriage", Ensign, Nov 1996, 26) His advice to couples is to create a more enduring and faithful marriage which he termed "covenant marriage" 

When a young college student in my first semester, I dated a young man who after a month of dating, and two weeks of avoiding me, decided to break up with me. He called me and told me over the phone the reason why and then I finally understood the reasons behind his excuses and his 'busy-ness'. I was upset and heartbroken and needed to find solace and peace, so I decided to walk to the nearby LDS temple. I found a quiet hill and sat there overlooking the temple. As I coped with my heartache, I prayed to my Heavenly Father.  In my conversation with him, I made a covenant with my God. I resolved that I would take the heartache and pain that came with dating, accept and forgive without bitterness, if one day God would send a great young man into my life, who would love me and treat me and our children well. I left that hill overlooking the temple that night with a healed heart and peace that God was watching over me and would bless me in my life. 

My covenant marriage began that night, long before my "knight in shining armor" came into my life. That promise I made with God helped me through the challenges of dating. Then, one day a few years later towards the end of a dance, a young man who unbeknownst to me had noticed me earlier in the dance and kept his eye on me throughout the dance, had waited until the end to ask me to dance. Fearing he may sound too forward, he asked me to go on a date the next weekend. We quickly became friends and soon I knew this was the young man, that on that October night God promised He would send into my life, so I agreed to marry him. And then on a bright, sunny morning a few months later, I knelt across from him in the temple, surrounded by our family, and we both agreed to creating an enduring and everlasting "covenant marriage." 

Now, twenty-six years later, our happily ever after has not come simply by chance, it has come through hard work, sacrifice, forgiveness, and a willingness to stay close when challenges weighed upon our shoulders. Our covenant marriage included adding God to our partnership. God has guided and helped us through the challenges of parenting, through job losses, through the complications of moving, and through our imperfections. My husband became my best friend before I fell in love with him. He still is my best friend. He completes me for neither one of us are whole without the other. As Elder Bednar taught, "the ultimate blessings of love and happiness are obtained through the covenant relationship of eternal marriage." That my friends, is the best kind of marriage to have—the one where we create our own "Happily Ever After"! 

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Happily Ever After comes with a covenant marriage and stays as both spouses continue to give 100% to their marriages. When we marry or even before, we dream that we will always have that "happily ever after". Whether we have the marriage we dream of or only dream of that marriage, we can focus on our part to create commitments with ourselves, with God, and with those whom we love, which will help us find happiness here and now and into our ever after.  

Week #3 Threats to Marriage

This is written for the current college class I am taking. This week our discussion was on Threats to Marriage--the focus of this post is to declare my stance for traditional marriage, but to also acknowledge that not everyone will agree with me, but I would like to respect others' opinions and ask for that same respect.

In today's society, there are many different opinions on many different issues.  There have been controversial topics and issues that seem to create a line in the sand, where people determine friendships by which side of that line another person stands on. The recent presidential election clearly illustrated many choosing which side to stand on and attempting to convince others to cross the line and join them. As it got closer to the election, social media was inundated with numerous posts about getting others to see the error of their beliefs, and many friends were dis-friended or blocked for disagreeing.

The controversial issue of redefining marriage to include same-sex couples is a highly debated subject and many times mutual respect and acceptance of differing beliefs has been missing from discussions on this topic. 

This week for my college class, I read the Supreme Court's ruling on same-sex marriage in which they ruled in favor of requiring states to issue marriage licenses for same-sex couples. Though the document was long (100 pages), I found it beneficial to read it directly instead of just listening to other's sound bites. I appreciated seeing both sides of the issues—the majority's view and reading the separate views from the 4 dissenting judges. The four judges declared that the decision should not be determined by 9 non-elected judges, but should have been allowed to be decided by the democratic process. I remember my family moved to California shortly before the vote there to redefine marriage. It was an interesting time as were encouraged to declare our beliefs, though many were mocked and scorned for believing in traditional marriage, and yet when the vote was cast and the people had spoken--traditional marriage was upheld. Many were surprised at the outcome. It was gratifying to see the grass roots effort to stand up for what we believed make a difference. 

My decision of which side I stand on did not change in reading this document. Actually, I believe it helped me to more clearly define the reasons behind my stance. I believe in traditional marriage—a union between one man and one woman and that is the best environment in which to raise children. I believe that if you broaden the view on marriage, it loses it value. If it tries to become everything, it turns into nothing. As Ryan Anderson, who wrote the book What is Marriage? stated in front of the Indiana House Judiciary Committee on Jan 13, 2014, "If the biggest social problem we face right now in the US is absentee dads, how will we assist that dads are essential when the law redefines to make fathers optional?" 

That being said, I acknowledge that not all my friends will agree with that view and though I have picked the side I'm standing on, it is only a line, not a wall, that is between us. And I refuse to allow my views to create how I perceive, accept, or judge others. There is value in standing up for what you believe. There is value in allowing someone else that same right and there is value in accepting one another though our beliefs may differ.