Week 13 Transitions in Marriage: In-Law Relations

Creating Bonds with Extended Family even though Separated by Many Miles

Both my husband and I were born and raised in Utah, but shortly after he finished his schooling, we piled our meager belongings into a UHaul and headed east for Chicago. Ray's parents traveled with us, along with our two small children. Our 2 ½ year old son decided he preferred the McDonalds in the middle of Wyoming instead of sitting in the car for miles and miles. It took a good 20-30 minutes for his dad and grandpa to coax him out of the playground at McDonalds. We moved into our apartment and while my inlaws were in town, we went to a Chicago White Sox game. Our newborn slept through the entire game in his car seat under my seat.  Those were great memories. Soon Ray's parents headed back to Utah and we on our own for the first time, far away from both of our families. We missed the mountains which stand tall and close in the Salt Lake Valley. Now we could see for miles. We were on our own for holidays or Sunday dinners. It was a new adventure that we were happy about, yet there were days we missed having extended family close by. 

In the LDS Family Proclamation, it states "Extended families should lend support when needed." That is definitely easier when family lives close by and challenging when miles separate us.  Over the course of our marriage, we have lived in seven states. It was great when family lived nearby, but that hasn’t always been the case. 

Over the years, we have come to accept the challenges of moving and living away from family and we have found different ways to compensate for that distance. Here are a few of the things that have helped us to create family bonds: 

1. A Family Newsletter—The year we spent in Chicago, I compiled a monthly newsletter with my husband's family. I still have the copies of that newsletter and it's fun to read and see what everyone was doing. 

2. A Christmas Letter—Every year I send a Christmas Letter to family and friends with a quick update and picture of our family. 

3. Phone calls—While my mom was alive, she was always my go-to person when the stress of parenting would get me down.  My dad helped fill that void when her illness prevented her from long conversations on the phone. Now, with children away at college we try to maintain a weekly phone call.

4. Girls Outings—We have ventured to San Francisco (with crazy stories to tell from that trip), Seattle, and Park City. I went with my sisters-in-law and mother-in-law to the Shakespearean Festival in Cedar City. My mother-in-law told us the funniest story about my father-in-law (who asked some teenagers to help him with his phone (it wasn't working) and they had to tell him it was his TV remote). I was laughing so hard, I missed the turn off and we had to drive about 5 miles before the next exit, so we could flip around and go back to our hotel 

5. Football games—We have met up with family for University of Utah games in California and Colorado and maintain season football tickets even though we don't currently live in Utah

6. Visits back to Utah—Sometimes my children complain that all our vacations are spent visiting family in Utah, but it is always good to see family and we don't get to see them enough.

7. Camping trips—Depending on where we were living, we would find a middle destination and go camping or venture to other fun places like amusement parks or church historical sites. Though the Grand Canyon with twelve children under the age of 12 was a little nerve wracking for all of the adults as we stood on the sides of the overlooks. Trips to Yellowstone, the Four Corners, San Diego, Moon Lake, Nauvoo are all great memories 

8. Facebook has been a great way to see pictures and keep in touch with extended family. 

9. The annual Family March Madness Picks is always a fun tradition, though my family tends to get upset with me because even though I don't watch college basketball during the regular season, I still have won our family picks about 4 or 5 times. Must be my serious analytical skills! 

10. Each of my children have been baptized at 8 and each time we have lived in a different place. Four of our children have graduated from high school and each from a different school. How great it has been for our parents to have come to every baptism and every graduation.

Family bonds take effort. I think because we have lived far from family we have sought ways to build strong bonds. How grateful I am to have the support of great parents, siblings, and other extended family. Elder Marvin J. Ashton said, "Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength, a refuge, a delight, and an eternal unit. Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement” (“He Took Him by the Hand,” Ensign, Jan. 1974, 104).

A Partnership Marriage

If there is one thing most people know about my life, it is we have moved many times in our married life. In those moves, we have faced many decisions—what jobs to consider, what city to live in, what house to buy, what jobs to avoid.  Many times, we would get to plan Z before things would finally fall into place. With the moves have come some significant challenges—jobs that didn't work out, houses that wouldn't sell, plans that fell apart, the list goes on... 

Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do. But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and a woman should be one of partnership. A husband should not make decrees. Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is developed ( H. Burke Peterson, Ensign, July 1989, p. 9).  

If there is one thing about our marriage that helped it survive and flourish, it is the only way we have survived the craziness of moving is we went into each job, each change as partners. As we considered new jobs, we would have long discussions about the potential change. My husband would respect my reservations if I felt a job or the timing was not right. I would listen to his frustrations and try to be open to change. 

They [husbands and wives] should be one in harmony, respect, and mutual consideration. Neither should plan or follow an independent course of action. They should consult, pray, and decide together… Remember that neither the wife nor the husband is the slave of the other. Husbands and wives are equal partners, particularly Latter-day Saint husbands and wives (Marion G. Romney, Ensign, March 1978, pp. 2–4).  

If there is one thing I know about decisions to move, it is those decisions must be made together. Sometimes, I would receive specific revelation about a move and my husband would honor that revelation. I am really good at narrowing choices down.  Sometimes before I even stepped a foot into a new state, I would know the cities or neighborhoods for our family to move to. One time, I even had our choice narrowed to one street within a neighborhood. My husband on the other hand prefers to keep an open mind and wants to consider all possible choices. Often, I would reevaluate and broaden the research and then he would trust me and accept my fewer choices until we found the right place and we both agreed to it. 

When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affections, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives." (President Ezra Taft Benson, Ensign, May, 1988, p. 4) 

If there is one thing about God I know, He has been there with us for every move. We have seen miracles happen. When one home we had found to rent fell through just a few weeks before moving, a few days later, we found an incredible rental that was perfect for our family.  When discouragement set in because a plan didn't come together, I heard inspiring words in my heart that brought me out of despair. When experiencing one stress after another stress while preparing to move, God showed me that though there were many difficult and stressful moments, each of those moments had a blessing attached to it. 

Life comes with challenges. Marriage requires patience, love, and a desire to work together as partners. We are better off if we seek God's help to guide and direct our paths. If there is one thing I know, a partnership marriage is the best kind of marriage to have.

Week #11 Transitions in Marriage

Creating a Soul Mate

In the Doctrine & Covenants, it reads "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and cleave unto her and none else." Marriages would be saved, endure, and made beautiful if this counsel was adhered to. Kenneth Matheson warned that if we allow others in to take the place of our spouses it has potential to lead to broken marriages. "Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind. Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing." 

If such a thing occurs gradually, then we need to be careful and guard ourselves, our hearts and our feelings. President Dieter Uchtdorf stated, "Although I have said that I do not believe in a one-and-only soul mate for anyone, I do know this: once you commit to being married, your spouse becomes your soul mate, and it is your duty and responsibility to work every day to keep it that way. Once you have committed, the search for a soul mate is over. Our thoughts and actions turn from looking to creating." 

How do I create my soul mate? 

With all my heart—I love unconditionally from my very core, until that love radiates out and into my soul mate 

With all my mind—I ask "What can I do for my soul mate?" "How will I remember him this day?" "What does he need?" and I see and find the best in him and then he becomes the best 

With all my soul—we become one as we come closer to God. I feel his pain.  I know his heart. I believe I can't live without him. 

With all my strength—I build him up when he is down and stand hand-in-hand to face life's challenges together. 

With all my might—using all my power and energy, I give my everything—my love, my passion, my dreams, my hopes, my sorrows, my insecurities to create a lasting and enduring marriage that will stand the test of time 

  

A soul mate doesn't magically appear and we ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. A soul mate becomes that through seeing, believing, and creating my spouse to be my soul mate. 

Week#10 Seeking to Understand

Changing Nature

The earth we live in is constantly changing. Wind, water, ice have an effect upon the earth's landscape. At times, the changes are seen quickly—like earthquakes or volcanoes. At other times, the landscape is slowly eroded away. These changes can be subtle, and in the moment only slightly detectable. 

When my boys were younger, they loved to go to the museum at Thanksgiving Point. They could spend hours at the water and sand exhibit acting as Mother Nature, developing lakes, and rivers, and land masses. They brought the change, yet they had a hard time manipulating the land masses, because the water was constantly moving and would find its way over and through their sand islands.  

Now, this may seem like an interesting story to begin a blogpost about marriage. But often husbands and wives are continually trying to change their spouse, but many end up frustrated. For no amount of nagging or fault-finding brings true and lasting change. I know for me that if I try to point out to my husband a need to change right in the very act I see my husband should change, it is ineffective. Why is that?  

Let's look to nature. Wind, water, ice have power to influence their environment. Man-made structures are sometimes ineffective to prevent these natural phenomenon's abilities to transform the landscape, though many attempts have been made. As Dr. Roy Spencer, a meteorologist and climate scientist, stated, ""Nature is not static, but causes its own, internally-generated changes - both in climate and in biological systems." Nature is constantly changing and adapting, but usually over a long time-period. And as Charles Dickens eloquently described it, "Nature gives to every time and season some beauties of its own; and from morning to night, as from the cradle to the grave, is a succession of changes so gentle and easy we can scarcely mark their progress" 

What can we learn about our desire to create immediate change in our spouse? It's unlikely to happen. Human nature is resistance to change, just as mountains don’t move over night. Just as my boys worked to control the water and sand, the sand was weak, and the water powerful. We can't  simply demand change, we don't have the power or control to do so. Long-lasting change starts with small efforts of wind, ice, and water and over time create the nature we love and enjoy today. 

We don't need to change our spouses because change will naturally occur. Our approach whether it is nagging and demanding or accepting and loving will have the greatest impact on our spouse. As Wallace Goddard in his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, said, "When we love our partners the way they are, we don't care if they change! That is the very thing that liberates them to change. Acceptance is the key change in those areas where it is possible...The single-most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners' characters; it is loving, cherishing, and appreciating them." (p.127) 

One of my family's favorite hangouts is Castlewood Canyon near our home. Along the river, sits humungous and numerous boulders. My children love to climb from one rock to another.  I don't know the history of how all this boulders came to rest there. I do know it did not occur in my lifetime. Over the course of time, this marvel of nature has developed into a favorite place for hikers, climbers, and nature lovers. Though in the future this area will likely change, I can enjoy the beauty and wonder it offers and the peace it brings as our family explores the trails. 

And as for my marriage, I can accept my husband by appreciating his strengths and goodness. Change will come, but not through my demands or manipulation. Change comes as it’s the natural order of life, but for now I can enjoy the beauty and wonder that having a best friend by my side brings and I can cherish the peace of a strong, happy marriage as my husband and I guide our children through life. 

Week #9 Managing Conflict

In Silence

We drove in silence.   

The radio tried to penetrate the quiet.  

But neither of us spoke out loud.  

Our disappointment filled the air in the car. 

    

House hunting trips usually illustrate the complexity of moving. We know this all to well as we move about every 2 years and we have lived in 11 houses in 7 states. On one house-hunting trip for, we decided to build instead of buy an existing house. After touring various model homes, we decided on a plan. The next day, both of us ready to move forward, we returned to the model home to choose a lot and sign a contract. My husband quickly concluded while visiting the model, that this was not the right decision. I disagreed, and we continued the process of meeting with the salesperson. At the end of our visit, I wanted to do it, but wasn't absolutely sure. My husband was clearly unsure. We said good-bye to the salesperson and returned to our rental car.  

   

  

We drove in silence.   

Though, thoughts tumbled through our minds.   

Frustration overtook any hunger pains.  

Nothing worked to dispel our conflict.  

    

My husband interpreted my silence as anger--anger at his inability to see this decision as a good decision. Often, I expected my husband to know what I was thinking, but as Dr. John Gottman advised “Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader.” Luckily, for my husband, this house-hunting trip occurred at the same time I was enrolled in a coaching program. Typically, silence on my part stemmed from negative thoughts rolling through my head, and expectations that my husband know what was bothering me. Instead, I realized a difference this time in the silence in the car and the silence in the hotel room. I reflected upon our non-decision as he answered emails for his new job.  

    

I sat in silence.    

Avoiding negative thoughts about myself or my husband.  

I cleared my mind to what I needed in this situation.  

I needed time and silence.  

    

I am a Strategic Thinker and when you are a Strategic Thinker you need time to process. My husband is quick to think things through. I, on the other hand, require a slower approach to decisions. I learned in the coach certification program, just the week before this trip, about Strategic Thinkers. In that silence, I came to the same conclusion as my husband—not to build, but to wait.  

   

The silence ended.   

I told my husband I agreed with him.  

“What I needed was time—to think, to process”  

Now, we could move forward with a new game plan.  

    

We both agreed that “no decision” felt frustrating. But we knew in our hearts and in our minds that this was not the right decision for our family. (We would come to learn how upcoming trials made us glad that we decided to wait) Now, that the air was cleared of uncomfortable silence, we at least could decide that we were hungry and needed dinner. At dinner, we discussed how beneficial it is to understand that we can’t read minds, (I really wasn’t angry at my husband) that it’s important to understand what we each need (I need time and silence to process), and that we at times, as Stephen Covey said, “...do not listen with the intent to understand...listen with the intent to reply”, (but this time, we each listened as we shared our feelings of disappointment and frustration), and then we moved forward with a resolution and a game plan (as we avoided getting defensive, blaming, or attacking each other, and simply focused on the situation). As John Gottman declared, “Once you get past the barriers that have prevented clear communication, difficulties are much easier to resolve.” The issue in this situation was not he was too fast to decide, or I was to slow to decide. The issue was not anger at each other.  The issue simply was about deciding what house to buy.