Week#10 Seeking to Understand

Changing Nature

The earth we live in is constantly changing. Wind, water, ice have an effect upon the earth's landscape. At times, the changes are seen quickly—like earthquakes or volcanoes. At other times, the landscape is slowly eroded away. These changes can be subtle, and in the moment only slightly detectable. 

When my boys were younger, they loved to go to the museum at Thanksgiving Point. They could spend hours at the water and sand exhibit acting as Mother Nature, developing lakes, and rivers, and land masses. They brought the change, yet they had a hard time manipulating the land masses, because the water was constantly moving and would find its way over and through their sand islands.  

Now, this may seem like an interesting story to begin a blogpost about marriage. But often husbands and wives are continually trying to change their spouse, but many end up frustrated. For no amount of nagging or fault-finding brings true and lasting change. I know for me that if I try to point out to my husband a need to change right in the very act I see my husband should change, it is ineffective. Why is that?  

Let's look to nature. Wind, water, ice have power to influence their environment. Man-made structures are sometimes ineffective to prevent these natural phenomenon's abilities to transform the landscape, though many attempts have been made. As Dr. Roy Spencer, a meteorologist and climate scientist, stated, ""Nature is not static, but causes its own, internally-generated changes - both in climate and in biological systems." Nature is constantly changing and adapting, but usually over a long time-period. And as Charles Dickens eloquently described it, "Nature gives to every time and season some beauties of its own; and from morning to night, as from the cradle to the grave, is a succession of changes so gentle and easy we can scarcely mark their progress" 

What can we learn about our desire to create immediate change in our spouse? It's unlikely to happen. Human nature is resistance to change, just as mountains don’t move over night. Just as my boys worked to control the water and sand, the sand was weak, and the water powerful. We can't  simply demand change, we don't have the power or control to do so. Long-lasting change starts with small efforts of wind, ice, and water and over time create the nature we love and enjoy today. 

We don't need to change our spouses because change will naturally occur. Our approach whether it is nagging and demanding or accepting and loving will have the greatest impact on our spouse. As Wallace Goddard in his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, said, "When we love our partners the way they are, we don't care if they change! That is the very thing that liberates them to change. Acceptance is the key change in those areas where it is possible...The single-most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners' characters; it is loving, cherishing, and appreciating them." (p.127) 

One of my family's favorite hangouts is Castlewood Canyon near our home. Along the river, sits humungous and numerous boulders. My children love to climb from one rock to another.  I don't know the history of how all this boulders came to rest there. I do know it did not occur in my lifetime. Over the course of time, this marvel of nature has developed into a favorite place for hikers, climbers, and nature lovers. Though in the future this area will likely change, I can enjoy the beauty and wonder it offers and the peace it brings as our family explores the trails. 

And as for my marriage, I can accept my husband by appreciating his strengths and goodness. Change will come, but not through my demands or manipulation. Change comes as it’s the natural order of life, but for now I can enjoy the beauty and wonder that having a best friend by my side brings and I can cherish the peace of a strong, happy marriage as my husband and I guide our children through life. 

Week #9 Managing Conflict

In Silence

We drove in silence.   

The radio tried to penetrate the quiet.  

But neither of us spoke out loud.  

Our disappointment filled the air in the car. 

    

House hunting trips usually illustrate the complexity of moving. We know this all to well as we move about every 2 years and we have lived in 11 houses in 7 states. On one house-hunting trip for, we decided to build instead of buy an existing house. After touring various model homes, we decided on a plan. The next day, both of us ready to move forward, we returned to the model home to choose a lot and sign a contract. My husband quickly concluded while visiting the model, that this was not the right decision. I disagreed, and we continued the process of meeting with the salesperson. At the end of our visit, I wanted to do it, but wasn't absolutely sure. My husband was clearly unsure. We said good-bye to the salesperson and returned to our rental car.  

   

  

We drove in silence.   

Though, thoughts tumbled through our minds.   

Frustration overtook any hunger pains.  

Nothing worked to dispel our conflict.  

    

My husband interpreted my silence as anger--anger at his inability to see this decision as a good decision. Often, I expected my husband to know what I was thinking, but as Dr. John Gottman advised “Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader.” Luckily, for my husband, this house-hunting trip occurred at the same time I was enrolled in a coaching program. Typically, silence on my part stemmed from negative thoughts rolling through my head, and expectations that my husband know what was bothering me. Instead, I realized a difference this time in the silence in the car and the silence in the hotel room. I reflected upon our non-decision as he answered emails for his new job.  

    

I sat in silence.    

Avoiding negative thoughts about myself or my husband.  

I cleared my mind to what I needed in this situation.  

I needed time and silence.  

    

I am a Strategic Thinker and when you are a Strategic Thinker you need time to process. My husband is quick to think things through. I, on the other hand, require a slower approach to decisions. I learned in the coach certification program, just the week before this trip, about Strategic Thinkers. In that silence, I came to the same conclusion as my husband—not to build, but to wait.  

   

The silence ended.   

I told my husband I agreed with him.  

“What I needed was time—to think, to process”  

Now, we could move forward with a new game plan.  

    

We both agreed that “no decision” felt frustrating. But we knew in our hearts and in our minds that this was not the right decision for our family. (We would come to learn how upcoming trials made us glad that we decided to wait) Now, that the air was cleared of uncomfortable silence, we at least could decide that we were hungry and needed dinner. At dinner, we discussed how beneficial it is to understand that we can’t read minds, (I really wasn’t angry at my husband) that it’s important to understand what we each need (I need time and silence to process), and that we at times, as Stephen Covey said, “...do not listen with the intent to understand...listen with the intent to reply”, (but this time, we each listened as we shared our feelings of disappointment and frustration), and then we moved forward with a resolution and a game plan (as we avoided getting defensive, blaming, or attacking each other, and simply focused on the situation). As John Gottman declared, “Once you get past the barriers that have prevented clear communication, difficulties are much easier to resolve.” The issue in this situation was not he was too fast to decide, or I was to slow to decide. The issue was not anger at each other.  The issue simply was about deciding what house to buy.

Week #8 Beware of Pride

A Rare & Beautiful Marriage

I was focused on a project and my husband needed some help with something. I made one rude comment and he became upset. I later tried to apologize, but he refused to accept my apology and then it came out that he was still upset when we were driving away from the house with our children in the car. I almost let it ruin our outing with our children, but I decided to set it aside while spending time as a family. We had both been more concerned about ourselves than each other and it created some negativity and hurt feelings. We discussed it later and we were able to smooth things over.  

In his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,  H. Wallace Goddard stated, "God has graciously given each of us an early warning system. When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs toward heaven. We are guilty of pride. In a spiritual sense we are saying to our spouses, "You are not meeting my needs the way I would like them met. Don't you realize that is your job?! Your every act is to be dedicated to my happiness. Now hop to it!" (p. 69) 

I believe many times we feel that it is our right to get upset with others when they do or say things that we find annoying. I liked Goddard's point that "feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated" are signs of pride, though I had not considered that before. As President Ezra Taft Benson said, "Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance. In the scriptures there is no such thing as righteous pride—it is always considered a sin." But naturally irritations are going to set in—its human nature and each of us are far from perfect.  

Maybe we wish for a marriage without irritations, but that is unlikely to happen. Instead of allowing irritations to set in and over time destroy a marriage, there is another approach. Just as an oyster takes the irritating piece of sand and instead of casting out the offending object, it forms a protective sac around it, and over time it adds layer after layer of material until a beautiful and rare pearl is formed. Imagine if we took this approach with our spouse's irritations and annoyances. We can't simply cast out that Irritation, but instead we can add a protective sack (choosing to overlook the irritation or we can refuse to attack and get upset). Then, we layer our relationship with love, we choose to be humble, we forgive each other, and we perform acts of service. We prevent irritations from destroying our marriage, and instead we work adding layer upon layer until we have created a rare and beautiful marriage that will radiantly shine for all the world to marvel at!