In his book, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman emphasizes the importance of married couples "turning toward each other." He says this is accomplished in small day-to-day moments--"Many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a vacation by the sea. The Real Secret is to Turn Toward each other in little ways every day."
There are times when we need our spouse to "slow down for us" and there are times when we need to "speed up for them" to find that perfect connection that brings us together, so when life's challenges hit we are already connected and hand in hand we make each other stronger and its in those moments, we truly know what love is.
In Those Moments, She Knew He Loved Her
The snow blew across the highway on that wintry night and he could no longer see his wife's minivan in his rearview mirror.
He dialed her number, "Hello," she replied.
"We need to reconnect," he told her.
"Ok but I don't like driving fast in the snowstorm."
"Then I will slow down for you," he told her.
"And I will speed up for you."
They were traveling to their new home, but had gotten a late start as they couldn't leave until the movers finished loading up the trailer. They had just stopped for dinner and then headed back onto the highway. He traveled with two children and his wife had the remaining four children. He felt reassured when his wife's van reappeared and they moved along together, passing some semis and cars and getting ahead of the pack. In that moment, when they were the only two cars in the vicinity, his wife's van hit black ice. He watched from his rear view mirror as her van turned and headed down the hill. As quickly and safely as he could, he pulled his car over, parked his car, and ran as fast as he could, unsure of the condition of his family.
He called his wife on the phone and tears filled his eyes when he learned that his family was fine. The car had settled at the bottom of the hill and stopped about six feet away from a large tree. All that mattered in that moment was his family was safe. After waiting a couple of hours for the police officer and then the tow truck to arrive, the family returned to their journey. They had hoped to cover more of their 16 hour drive, but at this point they had only driven two hours. It was too late to continue, so they stopped 10 miles later at the nearest hotel. They settled the children safely into their beds, and in that moment he hugged his wife tightly for he had feared he had almost lost her.
This was his wife who thirteen years earlier, he had watched her mingle with her friends at a college dance. For some reason, he had hesitated asking her to dance, which was usually not his style. Finally, he approached her—one dance, a second dance, and then a third dance. In that moment as the dance ended, he knew he didn't want to let her leave and risk never seeing her again, so he asked her out for the next weekend. They became instant friends and he loved her from the moment he first saw her.
This was his wife who he had watched deliver six children, five without any pain medication. He had stood helplessly as he couldn't take away her pain, but in that moment when her pain was the greatest, she looked into his eyes and he showed her how to breathe through the contractions. She would grip his hand tightly, probably tighter than he liked, and by his encouraging words and his loving touch, he gave her added strength to help her know she could do this.
The journey wasn't over yet. They still needed to drive for two more days as his family had many miles to go before they reached their new home. His wife was still emotionally and mentally recovering from hitting black ice. Any slight wind pushing her van or children complaining because the movie on the tv wasn't working made his wife nervous. In that moment, he knew she needed support, but just as childbirth they had to finish the entire journey, they couldn't just stop. So he lightened her load by switching cars. The car which sat lower to the ground seemed less moved by the wind. Then she only had two children to worry about—a newborn who slept the entire trip, only waking up when they stopped to eat, and an eight-year old who happily entertained himself with his game boy.
In those moments, she knew she could face life's challenges. In those moments, he stood there waiting to love, wanting to help, willing to give, and winning her heart. In those moments and many more, she thanked God that she had her best friend always by her side. He had turned to her when she needed him and he had carried her when she didn't think she could do it. In those moments, she knew he loved her.
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