Week #9 Managing Conflict

In Silence

We drove in silence.   

The radio tried to penetrate the quiet.  

But neither of us spoke out loud.  

Our disappointment filled the air in the car. 

    

House hunting trips usually illustrate the complexity of moving. We know this all to well as we move about every 2 years and we have lived in 11 houses in 7 states. On one house-hunting trip for, we decided to build instead of buy an existing house. After touring various model homes, we decided on a plan. The next day, both of us ready to move forward, we returned to the model home to choose a lot and sign a contract. My husband quickly concluded while visiting the model, that this was not the right decision. I disagreed, and we continued the process of meeting with the salesperson. At the end of our visit, I wanted to do it, but wasn't absolutely sure. My husband was clearly unsure. We said good-bye to the salesperson and returned to our rental car.  

   

  

We drove in silence.   

Though, thoughts tumbled through our minds.   

Frustration overtook any hunger pains.  

Nothing worked to dispel our conflict.  

    

My husband interpreted my silence as anger--anger at his inability to see this decision as a good decision. Often, I expected my husband to know what I was thinking, but as Dr. John Gottman advised “Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader.” Luckily, for my husband, this house-hunting trip occurred at the same time I was enrolled in a coaching program. Typically, silence on my part stemmed from negative thoughts rolling through my head, and expectations that my husband know what was bothering me. Instead, I realized a difference this time in the silence in the car and the silence in the hotel room. I reflected upon our non-decision as he answered emails for his new job.  

    

I sat in silence.    

Avoiding negative thoughts about myself or my husband.  

I cleared my mind to what I needed in this situation.  

I needed time and silence.  

    

I am a Strategic Thinker and when you are a Strategic Thinker you need time to process. My husband is quick to think things through. I, on the other hand, require a slower approach to decisions. I learned in the coach certification program, just the week before this trip, about Strategic Thinkers. In that silence, I came to the same conclusion as my husband—not to build, but to wait.  

   

The silence ended.   

I told my husband I agreed with him.  

“What I needed was time—to think, to process”  

Now, we could move forward with a new game plan.  

    

We both agreed that “no decision” felt frustrating. But we knew in our hearts and in our minds that this was not the right decision for our family. (We would come to learn how upcoming trials made us glad that we decided to wait) Now, that the air was cleared of uncomfortable silence, we at least could decide that we were hungry and needed dinner. At dinner, we discussed how beneficial it is to understand that we can’t read minds, (I really wasn’t angry at my husband) that it’s important to understand what we each need (I need time and silence to process), and that we at times, as Stephen Covey said, “...do not listen with the intent to understand...listen with the intent to reply”, (but this time, we each listened as we shared our feelings of disappointment and frustration), and then we moved forward with a resolution and a game plan (as we avoided getting defensive, blaming, or attacking each other, and simply focused on the situation). As John Gottman declared, “Once you get past the barriers that have prevented clear communication, difficulties are much easier to resolve.” The issue in this situation was not he was too fast to decide, or I was to slow to decide. The issue was not anger at each other.  The issue simply was about deciding what house to buy.