Week 13 Transitions in Marriage: In-Law Relations

Creating Bonds with Extended Family even though Separated by Many Miles

Both my husband and I were born and raised in Utah, but shortly after he finished his schooling, we piled our meager belongings into a UHaul and headed east for Chicago. Ray's parents traveled with us, along with our two small children. Our 2 ½ year old son decided he preferred the McDonalds in the middle of Wyoming instead of sitting in the car for miles and miles. It took a good 20-30 minutes for his dad and grandpa to coax him out of the playground at McDonalds. We moved into our apartment and while my inlaws were in town, we went to a Chicago White Sox game. Our newborn slept through the entire game in his car seat under my seat.  Those were great memories. Soon Ray's parents headed back to Utah and we on our own for the first time, far away from both of our families. We missed the mountains which stand tall and close in the Salt Lake Valley. Now we could see for miles. We were on our own for holidays or Sunday dinners. It was a new adventure that we were happy about, yet there were days we missed having extended family close by. 

In the LDS Family Proclamation, it states "Extended families should lend support when needed." That is definitely easier when family lives close by and challenging when miles separate us.  Over the course of our marriage, we have lived in seven states. It was great when family lived nearby, but that hasn’t always been the case. 

Over the years, we have come to accept the challenges of moving and living away from family and we have found different ways to compensate for that distance. Here are a few of the things that have helped us to create family bonds: 

1. A Family Newsletter—The year we spent in Chicago, I compiled a monthly newsletter with my husband's family. I still have the copies of that newsletter and it's fun to read and see what everyone was doing. 

2. A Christmas Letter—Every year I send a Christmas Letter to family and friends with a quick update and picture of our family. 

3. Phone calls—While my mom was alive, she was always my go-to person when the stress of parenting would get me down.  My dad helped fill that void when her illness prevented her from long conversations on the phone. Now, with children away at college we try to maintain a weekly phone call.

4. Girls Outings—We have ventured to San Francisco (with crazy stories to tell from that trip), Seattle, and Park City. I went with my sisters-in-law and mother-in-law to the Shakespearean Festival in Cedar City. My mother-in-law told us the funniest story about my father-in-law (who asked some teenagers to help him with his phone (it wasn't working) and they had to tell him it was his TV remote). I was laughing so hard, I missed the turn off and we had to drive about 5 miles before the next exit, so we could flip around and go back to our hotel 

5. Football games—We have met up with family for University of Utah games in California and Colorado and maintain season football tickets even though we don't currently live in Utah

6. Visits back to Utah—Sometimes my children complain that all our vacations are spent visiting family in Utah, but it is always good to see family and we don't get to see them enough.

7. Camping trips—Depending on where we were living, we would find a middle destination and go camping or venture to other fun places like amusement parks or church historical sites. Though the Grand Canyon with twelve children under the age of 12 was a little nerve wracking for all of the adults as we stood on the sides of the overlooks. Trips to Yellowstone, the Four Corners, San Diego, Moon Lake, Nauvoo are all great memories 

8. Facebook has been a great way to see pictures and keep in touch with extended family. 

9. The annual Family March Madness Picks is always a fun tradition, though my family tends to get upset with me because even though I don't watch college basketball during the regular season, I still have won our family picks about 4 or 5 times. Must be my serious analytical skills! 

10. Each of my children have been baptized at 8 and each time we have lived in a different place. Four of our children have graduated from high school and each from a different school. How great it has been for our parents to have come to every baptism and every graduation.

Family bonds take effort. I think because we have lived far from family we have sought ways to build strong bonds. How grateful I am to have the support of great parents, siblings, and other extended family. Elder Marvin J. Ashton said, "Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength, a refuge, a delight, and an eternal unit. Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement” (“He Took Him by the Hand,” Ensign, Jan. 1974, 104).