Week #5 Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

You've Got A Friend In Me

Dr. John Gottman in his book, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, taught a very
important lesson about marriages. He has studied, analyzed, and interviewed many married couples,
and from his research he has been better able to determine what marriages need in order to last. He
identified a very interesting point as to why marriage therapy typically fails—because the focus usually is on fixing two problems. As he stated, "Perhaps the biggest myth of all is that communication—and more specifically, learning to resolve your conflicts—is the royal road to romance and an enduring, happy marriage." In his research, Dr. Gottman discovered many happily married couples who didn't always communicate effectively or resolve conflicts nicely.

Then, what does make a marriage work? I loved his approach because it looks at a positive
approach instead of focusing on what's wrong and trying to fix that. Most people aren't motivated to fix weaknesses, but many times that is the advice or the mode of thinking that people attempt. Dr.
Gottman commented "the simple truth [is] happy marriages are based on a deep friendship... a mutual
respect for and enjoyment of each other's company." He also comments that "friendship fuels the flame of romance."

Setting aside the notion of marriage and love for the moment, I liked to focus on relationships with best friends and think about what that looks like.

A best friend is someone who accepts you for simply being you, regardless of your personality
quirks or faults.
A best friend is someone who you can open up to and express your innermost thoughts and
feelings.
A best friend is someone who you look forward to spending time with and being together.
A best friend is someone who listens well and cares about your feelings.
A best friend is someone who offers assistance to help and to guide.
A best friend is someone who wants to make your day better and strives to meet your needs.

In a marriage, love is a vital component, but having a best friend is what will help when life's challenges hit hard and you need someone to stand with to meet those challenges head on. Instead of worrying about the way we communicate, the focus can be simply did I show my spouse, "You've Got A Friend In Me"